


I'm Fucking Up. It Must be Tuesday.

by Illyah



Category: Shameless - Fandom
Genre: Bipolar Disorder, Breakup, Ian POV, M/M, Sad, Second Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-17
Updated: 2016-12-17
Packaged: 2018-09-09 06:51:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 481
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8880139
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Illyah/pseuds/Illyah
Summary: I've read a lot of break up fics from Ian's point of view, most of which come with a disclaimer of not having first hand knowledge of bi polar. I actually have bipolar in real life and was diagnosed slightly younger than Ian was in cannon. This is what it would have been like in my head. This is by far the most personal thing I've ever written, so  be gentle, please. :)Now, back to expanding my other new story.





	

You don’t want to do this. You know you don’t. You love Mickey. More than anything. You pound on the glass wall. You know you’re operating on crazy, but you just _can’t stop._ You can see yourself, hear the words coming out of your mouth, it’s you, but it’s not you. You pound harder on the wall, screaming, “Stop! Stop! You don’t want to do this!” But you can’t hear yourself.

You can’t hear anything over the rushing of blood in your ears and the compulsion to do what you want, because you _want it_ and how _dare_ he act like he knows better than you. The You behind the wall, reflects absently that this disease has made you selfish. You’ve never been selfish, Monica is selfish and you’ve seen how her behavior ruined your family but you _aren’t_ her. Mickey doesn’t understand that. Even without the meds, you’ll never be Monica, the You in front of him shouts.

You need him to trust you and he doesn’t. _“Because he’s right.”_  You yell and pound the wall harder. If you can just break it down, crack it a little bit, then you can be _Ian_ again, and everything will go back to the way it was before. You want to feel supported, but not controlled. “ _Mickey isn’t trying to control us.”_ You shout. The You behind the wall knows the meds are best. Knows that they’re the only way, but the louder you, the one tearing apart the love of your life, can't hear you. Maybe the problem is that you haven’t been able to meld Ian before bipolar and Ian with bipolar. You can’t even think of them as the same person, even though they are. You pound harder on the wall.

He’s looking at you like he’s never seen you before in his life. Like he has no idea who the man standing in front of him is, and you sneer. _“Good.”_ You think. The last traces of the medication leaving your system, sinking further into the madness. You’re not Monica, but she’s right, you don’t need the meds to be normal. But since when is normal wanting to be away from Mickey? You chased him for years. He finally gave you everything you wanted from him and you’re throwing it back in his face and you _just can’t stop._

The arrogance abates faster than you could possibly believe and you’re still pounding away on the wall, but with less certainty now. You know you aren’t going to be able to break through, but at the same time, you’re glad that you won’t be able to hurt him after this. It’s better this way. This disease has made you selfish, and it’s like all the Ian’s been scooped out and stored away behind a glass wall in your head. 

You never wanted to give him less than everything, anyway. 


End file.
